Total Drama Couples Parody
by TheQueenofBooks1000
Summary: Ever imagined Duncan and Courtney as Romeo and Juliet? How about Heather and Alejandro as Jack and Rose? This fic is basically just a parody of all the famous couples in pop culture and literature. Two-shot for each couple. Enjoy! (This week: Duncney in Romeo and Juliet!)


**I am getting started on yet another multi-chapter story. (Don't worry, I still plan on updating the ones that I abandoned...ish. I hope.)**

**Anyway, this fic is a parody of well-known couples. And I'll start with the most popular couple, the _star-crossed lovers, _and mixing it up with the most shipped couple involving a delinquent and a CIT. Enjoy, my friends. :P**

**And yes, I'm aware that the story isn't 100 percent accurate to the authentic Shakespearean story. I changed the dialogue, and the personalities, so it's like 75 percent different from the real Romeo and Juliet. Okay? Cool.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN TOTAL DRAMA OR _ROMEO AND JULIET._**

* * *

List of Characters:

Duncan as Romeo, Courtney as Juliet, DJ as Benvolio, Geoff as Mercutio, Gwen as Rosaline, Heather as Lady Capulet, Alejandro as Lord Capulet, Chris as Tybalt, Bridgette as the nurse, Chef as Friar Laurence, and Justin as Paris.

* * *

_Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Wawanakwa where we lay our scene..._

DJ entered the Montague house, yawning. "Well, 'tis a fair day today! Calmer than the ocean's breeze, where it's peaceful as a mermaid's...um, sneeze."

"Psst! DJ!" Geoff whispered from behind the leather couch. "You don't have to talk all old-timey, dude!"

"Oh, really?" DJ said, relieved. "Whew! Thinking up those crazy rhymes was hard!" He paused. "Hey, where's Duncan?"

Geoff shrugged. "The usual. Picking pockets, harassing little kids...oh, yeah, and trying to ask Gwen out."

"What!" DJ exclaimed. "He's harassing little kids? That's horrible!"

Geoff glared at him. "Not really the issue, brah."

DJ looked confused, then he got the message. "Oh...Duncan's still obsessing about Gwen? We gotta find him, man, or else he's going to go through his depression thing again." DJ stood there for a moment, thinking about what he said. "Hey! That rhymed. And I wasn't even trying!"

"Let's just go, brah!" Geoff grabbed DJ's arm and began to pull him out of the house.

When they got there, they saw Duncan standing outside Gwen's tall house. "Oh, come _on, _Gwen!" Duncan complained. "Why won't you go out with me? I mean, I'm hot! And so are you. We're perfect for each other, pasty!"

"Oh, stuff it, Duncan," Gwen snapped, leaning against the door frame. She wore a long purple dress with a black corset, and her teal-dyed hair was in ringlets. She didn't look very happy. (Maybe it had something to do with the ringlets.)

"But why won't you date me, babe?" Duncan persisted.

"Because the script doesn't say so...I mean, because I said no!" Gwen abruptly retreated to the comfort of her home and slammed the door.

Geoff let out a low whistle, getting Duncan's attention. "That's harsh, dude."

DJ nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, that's really horrible, man."

"Tell me something I don't know," Duncan sighed. He collapsed on Gwen's porch, holding his head with in his hands.

"Hey, I know something that can cheer you up!" Geoff exclaimed. "Let's go to the Capulets' blanket...wait no, what's that word again?

"Banquet," DJ supplied.

"Ban...ban...oh, screw it. Let's go to the Capulets' _party_!"

DJ gasped. "Oh, no way!" he yelled. "Our clan is the sworn enemy of the Capulets, remember?"

Geoff scratched his head. "Really?"

DJ glared at him. "Dude! We're the Montague family. They've always hated us."

"Oh, yeah," Geoff said. He sighed in disappointment. "No party then."

"Wait," Duncan said, slowly uncovering his face. "We're, like, _forbidden _to be there?" He smirked. "That's something dangerous. Aw, hell, I'm bored anyway. Let's go!" He quickly got up to his feet.

DJ turned pale. He nervously grabbed at his frilly collar (such as what the people of Wawanakwa would wear, along with weird tights). "W-What? There's no way I'd—"

"WOO-HOO! Party!" Geoff cheered, interrupting DJ's protests.

"_Adios, _Rosa-Gwen!" Duncan yelled, gleefully. Without another word, he ran to the Capulet household with Geoff at his heels. (No, seriously, he was wearing heeled boots. Ah, the fashion for men those days.)

DJ sighed. "Man, I am so gonna regret this." He spotted a furry little animal lurking behind Gwen's shrubbery. "Hey!" he said happily. "Bunny! With this little guy by my side, I can do anything!" DJ cradled the bunny in his arms and followed his friends.

* * *

"Courtney!" fair and tempestuous Lady Capulet, known in her girlhood as Heather, shouted. "Get ready for the party already! And make sure that whatever you wear won't clash with my outfit!"

"Whatever!" Courtney shouted back. "I can't decide what to wear!"

"How about this one, madam?" the nurse, Bridgette, said, holding up some fake angel wings.

Courtney snorted. "Wings? What am I, a chicken?!" She spotted a violet gown in her closet and gave it a closer look. The brunette smiled and pulled it out. "Now, this is more like it."

Bridgette shrugged. "If you say so, Court." Humming, the surfer—er, the _nurse _turned away and left the room.

"Great," Courtney sighed. "I'm not excited for this party at all." She paced her room. "My life lacks substance," she said in a melodramatic tone. "It's all accomplishment, and it's really miserable!" She paused, and scowled. "And it doesn't help that my mother is _Heather."_

"That's Lady Capulet to you, young lady," a voice sniffed. Courtney turned and saw Heather, standing there with her arms crossed. Her dark hair was pinned up, and she wore a long scarlet gown with plenty of jewelry.

"_Why _would I call you 'Lady Capulet'?" Courtney demanded. "Aren't you supposed to by my mom, or something?"

"Yeah, but hello, I still need to be treated with respect!" Heather countered. She strutted to her daughter's bed, where the evening gown Courtney planned to wear was laid out. "_That's _what you're wearing?" she snapped. "Talk about tacky."

"You should talk, _Mother." _the brunette's dark eyes glittered. "You look like a shipment from a fabric store."

"That's it!" Heather yelled. "Courtney, by next week, you shall be wed, since you're eighteen anyway! And that's final!" With a toss of her dark hair, she sneered and left the room.

"Oh, that's just wonderful," Courtney said irritably. "How on earth will I be able to find a gentleman that is worthy of _me?" _

"You don't need to, _chica,"_ Lord "Alejandro" Capulet said, entering her room. "The young Prince Justin asked your mother and I if he could marry you." The Latino lord got a very disturbed look on his face. "Right after he asked your mother if he could marry her. That _amigo _is certainly odd..."

"And you're asking ME to marry HIM?" Courtney yelled. "What is WRONG with you? I'm your only daughter! And, ew, he wanted to marry _Heather? _As in, my alleged mother, who is probably thirty years older than I am in this story?!"

"Hey!" Heather shouted from outside the room.

Alejandro tried to calm Courtney down. "He seemed like a very nice fellow! Shallow, self-centered, not really as good-looking as your _papa..."_

"How does that make him a nice fellow?!"

Alejandro shrugged. "I'll do anything to keep him away from Heather, _mi amor, muy preciosa," _he sighed. Then he realized that he was still in the same room with Courtney, blushed, and left hastily.

"Bridgette!" Courtney shrieked. "BRIDGETTE!"

"What, what?" Bridgette yelled, running into the room.

"Do you know anything about this...Prince Justin?" Courtney asked, crossing her arms.

Nurse Bridgette scratched her head and twirled a strand of blond hair around her fingers. "Um, I heard that he's rich, good-looking, and...really self-centered. Rumor has it that he's trying to marry random people because it's apparently against the law to marry your reflection, and he needed someone to share his estate with or else his family would disown him."

"Oh, God..." Courtney muttered. "Well, whatever. Help me put on this dress, Nurse."

"Whatever you say, Courtney."

* * *

The party at the Capulet household was in totally in full swing. Music was playing, food was diminishing, and everyone was dancing.

"Oh, man, bro!" Geoff whispered excitedly behind his violet mask. "This party is the bomb!"

"Shh...keep it down," DJ said nervously. He also donned a masquerade-styled mask. "Hey, have you guys seen Bunny?"

"Will you two idiots shut up?" Duncan muttered, rolling his eyes. "I just want to get an eyeful of the Capulet daughter! I heard that she's pretty hot."

Before either of his friends could reply, an elbow jabbed towards them, causing them to jerk away.

"Move out of the way!" a whiny voice snapped, interrupting their conversation. The owner of the voice stepped out of the shadows to reveal herself as Courtney. Her dark caramel curls shone in the dim moonlight, and the corset clung to her body, emphasizing her figure.

"Wow!" Duncan cried appreciatively.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Ew," she said, wrinkling her nose. "Well, if you'll excuse me, _gentlemen, _I was just about to head to the restrooms."

Duncan clutched his heart, swooning. "Did my heart loved till know forswear at sight, for I never saw a true beauty till this night…" He paused, his face contorting in confusion. "Huh? What the hell did I just say?!"

"No idea, brah, but that was really weird." Geoff shook his head at his kinsman. "Please don't do it again."

"Where's Bunny?" DJ said, sounding distressed.

"I'll be right back..." Duncan murmured, a slight smirk gracing his features. He turned and headed for the restrooms.

"Great," Geoff sighed. "He's obsessing over another girl!"

"BUNNY!" DJ yelled. Geoff facepalmed.

"Hey!" a dark-haired man interrupted them. "What are you two losers doing here? This party is for VIPs _only."_

"We're VIPs, dude," Geoff said. "Who are you again?"

"I'm Chris, kinsman of the Capulets," Chris informed them. "And, you do know that I could kick you out of here like...right now?"

"Hey, look, DJ!" Geoff yelled. "It's Bunny!" He grabbed the larger boy's arm and steered him away. Chris watched them with narrowed eyes. "Losers," he scoffed.

Pushing his dark locks from his eyes, he followed the duo, sword in hand.

* * *

Meanwhile, Duncan was trying to talk to Courtney. "Hey, Princess," he said nonchalantly.

Courtney's face twisted in repulsion. "No!" she said loudly. "I won't be a princess! I won't marry that moronic prince!"

"Wait, what?" Duncan asked. "You're...bathrobed?"

Courtney scoffed. "I believe that the term is _betrothed," _she corrected. "And, no, I am not. Not yet, anyway..."

"Aw, that sucks," Duncan said, sounding almost sympathetic. "You're too pretty to marry a jerk like that."

"How do you know that he's a jerk?" the girl asked. "Have you met him?"

"Nope. But you just called him 'moronic prince.'"

"That's not exactly synonymous," Courtney murmured, swaying to the music and trying to forget her troubles. She closed her eyes, and Duncan watched as a peaceful look crossed her face.

Duncan took her delicate hands and began dancing with her. Courtney's eyes snapped open.

"Release me at once!" Courtney commanded. She began to pull away indignantly, but then she saw something—_something_—in the fellow's teal eyes. Teal...an unusual eye color. It wasn't just plain blue, and it wasn't just the teal that was remarkable, either—there was a mischievous glint in the depths that made her weak in the knees. Courtney closed her eyes again.

He brushed his lips tenderly against hers...and before they knew it, they were kissing heavily.

"Wow," Duncan panted, when they pulled away for oxygen.

"Wow, indeed," Courtney said with a small smile. She pulled his mask off and gazed into his eyes some more.

Suddenly, DJ came to them, sounding panicked. "Guys!" he hissed. "I can't find Bunny!"

Geoff shoved him off. "Um, no, that's not really the issue, bro," he said. He turned to Duncan. "The Capulet dude told us to leave."

"So?" Duncan snorted.

"Um, he kind of...threatened us. With a sword and all."

"Oh," Duncan said. "Well, then, we're screwed. We really need to go." And with that, he kissed Courtney again.

"Dude!" Geoff hissed. "We've got to go!"

Duncan sighed. "Damn," he muttered. "Okay. I'll see you later," he told Courtney. He lay a hand on her cheek with his rough hands, causing her to shiver.

And the three Montagues ran for their lives.

"Wait!" Courtney yelled, sounding agitated. "You didn't even tell me your name...UGH!"

Courtney spotted Bridgette walking by, and she grabbed her arm. "Bridge! Who's that guy?"

"You mean, the guy you were just making out with?" Bridgette asked. "I'm not sure, but I think that was Duncan Montague."

Courtney's eyes turned wide. "Montague? As in, my family's sworn enemy?"

"Uh, yeah," Bridgette said, casually sipping her punch. "Pretty much."

"My only love sprung from my only hate!" she gasped. Then she frowned. "Wait, I'm not sure if I really _love _him...what do you think, Bridgette?"

Bridgette shrugged. "Why don't you make a list about it? Isn't that your usual way of settling such important affairs?"

"You're right!" Courtney said, snapping her fingers. "See you later, Bridge."

* * *

Later in the evening, Courtney stood in her balcony, where she was writing her 'Pros' and 'Cons' list.

"Hmm, let's see," she muttered. "He's handsome, so that's a pro. But I only gazed into his face in like, five seconds. I'm not really sure about that..."

Suddenly, a strong breeze passed, and Courtney's list went flying away.

"Ugh, dammit!" she groaned. "I worked hard on that list!"

Meanwhile, the list flew around lazily...and hit Geoff smack on the face.

"Huh? What the—" Geoff snatched the sheet of paper from his face. "A pro and con list? Seriously? Who even does that?"

"I think I know," Duncan said, his teal eyes gleaming. He took the list from Geoff's hands and ran to where the piece of paper came from.

He paused at the wall overlooking the trees, where there was a balcony. And there she was, standing there like an angel, the moonlight once again resting on her hair.

"Oh, Duncan, Duncan," Courtney sighed. "Wherefore art thou, Duncan? Deny thy father and—"

"Princess?" Duncan interrupted. "What the hell are you saying?"

Courtney looked down at him, annoyed. "It's Old English! We're _all _supposed to be speaking like that, actually." Then her face split into a huge smile. "Duncan!"

"Hi," Duncan said. "I figured you'd be here. So if you live here, then that means..."

"Yes," Courtney said with a sigh. "I am Courtney Capulet. And I am aware that you're Duncan Montague. Our families are mortal rivals."

Duncan shrugged. "Big deal. Wanna get married tomorrow?"

"Why would I want to do that?" she asked him warily. "I don't want to throw my future away!"

"You mean, your future of getting married to some prince that you hate?" Duncan asked her.

Courtney paused. "You raise a fair point," she muttered. "Fine. I will marry you. But it's because I _have _to, not because I _want _to. Marrying you is like, the last resort. Got it?"_  
_

"Sure, sure, Princess," Duncan said smugly.

"Stop calling me that!" Courtney yelled. "We'll get married at three, okay? If you come late, I will sue you." And with that, Courtney entered her room and slammed the balcony door.

* * *

The next day, Duncan, Geoff, and DJ were walking around the plaza, the heart of the town.

"I can't believe that you're gonna get married," Geoff said, visibly upset. "Dude, what about a life of parties and having fun? You're just gonna throw that away to get laid and have a kid?"

Duncan rolled his eyes. "Grow up, dude. Who said that I'm going to have a kid? Anyway, my bride-to-be is pretty hot."

"Guys," DJ sighed. "I can't find bunny. I was planning to make him wear a little tuxedo for Duncan's wedding. Now I can't." He sighed. "Great."

"Cheer up, man." Geoff consoled DJ while glaring at Duncan. "It's not like we're invited to his wedding anyway."

Duncan rolled his eyes. "Geoff—"

"YOU!" a voice interrupted them. They turned and saw Chris.

"What?" Duncan snapped, sounding irritated.

"The three of you Montagues sneaked into the banquet last night," Chris snapped. "Not cool, dudes, not cool." He sighed. "Now I'm gonna have to kill you all."

Geoff narrowed his eyes. "Are you, like, challenging me to a duel, brah?"

"Nah. I just said I'll kill you all. Duels are for nerds, man." And with that, Chris charged, but DJ yanked Geoff away and Chris slammed into a wall.

"No!" Chris yelled. He quickly placed a hand on his mouth. "My awesome, pearly-white teeth! And my hand, dude! What is _wrong _with you?"

"What's going on here?" a voice said. Everyone turned around and...slow, melodious music began playing as they all saw a handsome face attached to a beautiful body. There stood the prince, an arrogant air about him.

"Uh, yeah. These idiots damaged my teeth," Chris snapped, talking to him with his hand over his mouth.

Justin's eyes flashed. "Insolence! How dare you damage a beautiful facial structure!" He took a mirror from his pocket and inspected his own face. "Not as beautiful as mine, though," Justin sighed. "No face is measurable in terms of _my _beauty."

"Hey!" Chris snapped.

The eye candy turned to Duncan. "You are banished from my utterly gorgeous town!" he declared. "You're not hot enough to be here, anyway."

"No!" Geoff gasped. "Dude, you can't just—"

"Oh, shut up," Chris said dismissively. "You're lucky, because you're not even supposed to be alive anymore, bro! Haven't you read the actual story?"

"What?" Geoff asked.

"Never mind. But the point is...Duncan is _eliminated," _Chris continued, sounding out the word per syllable. "Time to go to the Flush of Shame!"

"What?" DJ asked this time, also confused.

Justin sighed, stroking his cheek tenderly. "Isn't my face just beautiful?"

* * *

"Courtney!" Bridgette yelled. _"Courtney!"_

"Yes?"

"Duncan's been banished from Wawanakwa," the nurse said breathlessly.

_"What?" _Courtney was shocked. "How did you find out?"

"I heard it from Geoff."

"Who in _blazes _is Geoff?"

"His cousin," Bridgette replied, discreetly wiping the smudged lipstick from her chin. She did have quite a bit of fun with that Geoff fellow...

Courtney noticed, but decided to let it go, too caught up in her own affairs. "Bridge, what am I going to do?"

Nervously, Bridgette sat on Courtney's bed. "Geoff told me that Duncan will be waiting for you in Friar Hatchet's household, next to his chapel," she reported. "You can go to him for a while, before your mother finds out."

"Courtney." As if on cue, Lady Heather was suddenly knocking on her daughter's door. "Can I come in?"

Courtney scowled. "Well, I can't keep you out," she scoffed, trying to sound unconcerned. Inside, her head was reeling; she needed to leave the house to meet up with her delinquent boyfriend. True, the situation wasn't very promising, but ANYTHING was better than marrying that douchebag of a prince.

Heather walked in, and Bridgette excused herself and left the room. "So, what's up?" the raven-haired woman said conversationally. Almost..._nicely. _Courtney's eyes narrowed. Something was up.

"What do you want?" Courtney asked carefully.

Heather then decided to cut to the chase. "You're gonna have to marry that Prince Justin loser next week," she said bluntly.

_"No," _Courtney replied firmly. "I won't have to do anything, okay? It's my life, and _you _have no business in it."

"Except for buying you expensive clothes, giving you food, funding your luxurious endeavors," Heather droned, ticking each word with her fingers.

"You _almost _have no business in it," Courtney amended. "But...can I go to Friar Hatchet's place first? I need to deal with something."

Heather shrugged indifferently, tossing her silky black hair. "Whatever. Just marry that loathsome prince, you hear?"

And with that, Courtney left her house and went to the house of the priest.

_Exeunt._

_To be continued..._

* * *

**Confession: I wrote this a long time ago, and I removed some parts of it. Basically, it would be a two-shot for each couple, and then there will be another parody of some other TD couple. Yay. Please review! :)**


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